Message from the command deck on Monday, April 04, 2005

Under New Management 

With the passing of Pope John Paul II, the world mourns the loss of a great man and spiritual leader. John Paul II reached out to the mass of humanity that inhabits this planet. Whether they are poor or rich, sick, infirmed, or non-Roman Catholic, John Paul II gave his love to all. He will be truly missed by this world, and his church.

However, we should take advantage of this change of power. What a perfect time for the Roman Catholic Church to institute a few changes; to bring in more of the faithful. I’ve been milling these ideas around in my head, and hopefully a well-connected Cardinal will read them. Who know? They may be the doctrine of the church in a few months.

1) Recliners for the first two rows of every church in the world. There is nothing that compares to spending the entire Easter Vigil mass sitting on a piece of wood with now padding. Now, if there were recliners place in the first two rows, things would be more comfortable. Not to mention that the front rows of the church will always be occupied.

2) Goodbye Bread and Wine; Hello Prime Rib and Beer (with a side of Fresh, Raw Veggies). This one is a no brainer. Change a few words, and the Church will be packing them in. And who really knows what they had at the Last Supper. I mean, who would go out for dinner and have bread?

3) Pre-mass collection. This one will generate additional funds for any church in the world. The parish set a reasonable price for the pre-mass collection. If the goal is met before the mass starts, then there is no singing, Homily or kneeling. Now, the regular collection will be there as well, but this one would just set the tone for the mass for this day. Who wants to sit through singing and preaching on Super Bowl Sunday?

Now, I realize that the Roman Catholic Church may be a little busy with the funeral and selection of a new Holy Father, but I hope that one forward thinking Cardinal would take a few of these ideas to heart. All I am trying to do is bring and retain more of the faithful to the Church. If anyone has other ideas for our new Pontiff, please feel free to add them to the comments section below.

Message from the command deck on Friday, March 25, 2005

Despot Kidnapped! 

We should do something! We should call the State Department! We need to organize a rescue!

Aww, heck. Why?

Let's all keep the Despot in our thoughts as he tried to dupe a prestigous Eastern university into accepting his salary requirements. Despite all the drugs in his system, he should do well. Heck, he may do better.

It really stinks when he's not here to make fun of.

Message from the command deck on Thursday, March 24, 2005

The End of the World Is Near. . . 

There are many reasons why people think that American youth is on the decline. Video games, violence in TV and in movies, rap music. The theories are numerous. However, I believe the real reason starts much earlier and from a source most benign.

Baby food is corrupting our youth before they actually start to crawl.

I mean have you ever tasted this stuff?!

First of all, to start life with someone stuffing this crap in your mouth is truly cruel punishment. And to think that we as parents sit there and tell the child that it’s good could be construed in some courts of law as torture. These companies take the yummy goodness of vegetables, and boil the living crap out of them, blend them into a water goop, and put them in cute little jar, which has not other use that to toss at unsuspecting squirrels.

Then they make matter worse by creating combinations of food that no competent adult would ever eat. Does anyone know of a restaurant that serves “Apples and Chicken” blended into unrecognizable goo? And who ever thought of taking spaghetti and place it into a blender for a couple hours, then selling it to parents should be place in jail for child endangerment.

Then, the final straw is that they make such yummy fruit combinations! Bananas, peaches, applesauce, and no one, no one can top Blueberry Buckle. These things are fantastic, but you cannot serve them all the time. So, as a parent, you wind up forcing Obliterated Peas and Carrot down the throat of your little one, why they hope and dream that a delicious fruit is to follow. The expressions you get on your baby’s face just confirm that they will grow up wanting to kill and maul.

Message from the command deck on Tuesday, March 22, 2005

What next? Agents in the trashcan? 

Well, it seems that Congress has responded to the Terri Schiavo situation with a clear Religious Right Morality and Off Year Politics. They have pass specific legislation that will allow Mrs. Shiavo’s case to be heard in a court of Federal jurisdiction. My own, esteemed Congressman Chris Chocola has decided to follow the party line and voted yes for this “personal legislation”. Good for you Congressman Chocola! Way to step in on a personal, family matter, and make it an issue for the Government to decide. Did anyone ever consider what this would do to Roe v. Wade?

But I digress, for the real reason of this posting is to jump onto the Bandwagon of Personal Legislation. I have a few friends that are in need of things in life. Congress is in session (sort of, I guess) and this seems as good as a time as any to ask for the perks and pork. So, Congressman Chocola, if you reading, take note:

1) My friend has been in a “sexual drought” for several years. Can you pass a law that gives him a woman? He was a contributor to your re-election campaign and a volunteer as well. If you were to ask me, I would at least ask for some general criteria for this woman before assigning one. An updated request from Sexual Drough-man can be found in the comments section

2) Another set of friends are trying to sell their house. Can the Government force a family to buy it and move in? Now, don’t think that you just can buy the house with Government funds and just let is sit there empty. That would be a blight on the neighborhood and the city. Nope. Its got to be people.

3) A neighbor is having some having some issues with the medical bills from a birth last year. Can you have them paid off? And while you’re doing that, can you arrange for free medical care, and supplies for the lifetime of the twins?

4) Princess G writes "I have not had a vacation in several years. I am finally paying all of my bills on time and everything, but can't seem to save enough to do something fun. It is seriously interfering with my quality of life to not have a cruise in the French Riviera. I would appreciate your immediate attention in this matter, as tomorrow morning I will be pulling the plug on all hope of ever having such a vacation."

5) The Fiddling Librarian writes "I would like to have a bill passed requiring government workers to come do the repairs to my house that are necessary for my buyers to receive FHA funding. These include:

Installing a rail in my staircase
Replacing outlets near my kitchen sink
Scraping and replacing paint on my garage.

I believe this is fair since the whole FHA thing is a government program anyway.

Oh and by the way, I would like to have some HUD employees help me move my stuff. It is the "housing" and urban development department after all!

Well, that’s is all I can think of. Maybe if you have a need that Congress can take care of that I may have missed, drop Congressman Chris Chocola a line. Of course, feel free to leave a comment as well, and when the staff of Chocola’s office comes a reading, they can take a list of comments away.

Hey! This is like a prayer service! This is so Religious Right!

Message from the command deck on Monday, March 21, 2005

. . .and it's my fault how? 

With this whole Holy Week thing starting up, leading to the Super Bowl of the Church we call Easter, one start to think about God, religion, and how the Man set up all up to fail.

From the moment that God cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, all the Big Man has done is to give Mankind the tools for his downfall. He gives us lust, yet forces us into monogamous unions with another. Tells us not to commit the Sin of Onan, yet He gave us all an opposable thumb. He says “Thou Shall Not Kill”, but gave Colt the intelligence to build the gun. You think that He could have kept that out of the cranial mix of Mr. Colt.

Now, the Church has given us many levels of sin to contend with, but you would think that all of it would have been easier if He didn’t give us the capacity to think of them. Take Lust for example. We think of other persons, and think what it would be like to kiss them, see them naked, and make love to them. I mean, why did God give us this capability. Is it some cruel joke on his part or what? I mean He didn’t give it everything else on the Earth. Do you think that robins in the spring spend their waking hours “crusin’ the lady birds”? NO, they hop on, do their duty, and move off to get another worm.

And when it comes to killing, God started it all, you know. He was the one that liked Able's killing of the first born sheep than the fruits of the field that Cain brought as an offering. I mean, if God had just accepted Cain’s farming ways, would there be murder in this society? And you would thing that God would have seen this coming when He decided to take one brother’s side over another’s.

So maybe God, in His Infinite Wisdom, will realize that He might have error in the past, and might want to start implementing a few changes before the Human Race really starts screwing things up.

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